Courtesy: Pinterest/feeldriven.com

It’s been a year since my beloved father, may Allah have mercy on him, left for the other world. I remember the disenchantment and restlessness with life that engulfed me then  and my resolve to align my goals with my purpose in this world, the worship of my creator. A year down the line though, and I am at a cross roads.

Against all that is systematic and methodical about my life, I have personally taken out the carpet from underneath me- without a back up plan. Against all that I have ever known my life to be, organized, well thought out, and boring. But for once, I’m not thinking 10 steps into my future. I’m content to take off this time and reflect on the direction in which I want to take my life. To renew my intentions, purpose and relationship with my Lord and to take a deep breath and appreciate all the favours that have been bestowed upon me.

This year, I have learnt a very important lesson regarding human nature. I have seen the ugly side of it and I’ve come out alive. And I never knew I had it in me. How too well aware I am now that the world I lived in was too idealistic, too perfect. Change is hard, but necessary. I had been fortunate enough to work with some of the most amazing people in the world who let me be as long as I delivered. By that, I certainly don’t mean that I strolled in whenever I wanted or that I spoke to people whichever way I wanted.  It means that I was allowed to be uniquely myself, just as you are uniquely you – I was trusted and honoured to do whatever needed to get done. That nothing concerning my identity was mocked at and my opinions and concerns were respected and acted upon. I now understand the paradox to the coin that is human nature. Principled yet fleeting, kind yet selfish, beautiful yet ugly. I saw the other side to the beauty and I have changed, good change, well I hope inshaallah.

As my illusions shattered left and right, I am immensely blessed to still have had the presence of mind to know that my one constant would never change. And how fervently I prayed to Him that I never change to accommodate that other side. That I never get bitter or cynical, no matter the incitement. That I commit to believe in the inherent goodness of everyone else I meet and forget these experiences. That this is the exception. That there is maror and dandelions but there is also stevia, blossoms, lavender, violets, roses.

I have learnt not to follow the world as it will never be satisfied, at my psychological, emotional and physical expense. I have learnt that I will speak up at injustice but most importantly I have learnt that I need to be careful of what I allow into my life. That I am also fragile and need to actively ensure that all that is negative, be it disrespect, intolerance or arrogance have no place in my life. This is the essence to my leaving. I have resolved to retire and attempt to heal, God willing, my weary soul. To recharge my positive vibes and warm my icy heart. To empathize as easily as I did before and to once again aspire to facilitate the improvement of mankind, a critical goal to my happiness. To do good not because of others’ sake but because my Lord loves the good doers. Most importantly, to praise, thank and worship my Creator in this life.

So a year later, I have not forgotten, but time slowly but surely dulls the edges of my grief. As my life rolls over, no matter the pauses I desperately attempt to throw at that wheel, to remember that most beautiful face, and that most fleeting sweet smell, I stoically accept, but beautifully mark you, with patience, that change is hard, and change is good. But there is hope, there always will be. What doesn’t change? My endeavour to make the remembrance and worship of The Greatest, The Inspirer of Faith and The Source of Peace, my ultimate goal. So help me Lord.