Death anniversaries

It feels like yesterday

/ TheAnywayGirl / Leave a comment
Grief

Courtesy: Gerard Van Den Berg(shutterstock), theconversation.com (2017)

It’s been 2 years, and I honestly cannot believe that we’re here. In one piece, mostly. There’s not a day that passes of course without thinking of him, and I have consciously made it a point to not ever forget. Everything, including my black scarf drenched in his musk – of course I didn’t have it washed for days! Errr weeks? Okay, it was months – I take my weird seriously. And even then, if I close my eyes and breathe deeply, the smell of it engulfs me.  And my regret is that they didn’t allow me enough time, and space, to give him enough kisses. But there will never be enough kisses for my father.

One of the most interesting things about losing a loved one is that in its immediate aftermath, everything that you once thought was important quickly loses meaning. And the impermanence of everything around you, including you, comes into sharp focus. And you gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of Allah’s immense power and mercy. That He could take, in an instant, someone you’ve lived your whole life seeing around you. And even after this most brutal of reminders, He still allows us to run around like heedless children, creating mischief, hurting people and amassing wealth, without consequence. That He gives us the opportunity, time and time again, to come back. And I honestly cannot fathom the breadth of benevolence required for that. That He created me, and I belong to him, but He still allows me this much latitude to make mistakes only to run back to Him. Again. And again. And again. I’m stupefied.

It’s not simply the fact that the life of this world is transient, it’s that trouble and grief seems to be its by line. It’s always one day I’m laughing, and the next I’m in deep despair. And it takes immense faith, which I lack, to understand that this is how my Lord has decreed it, a place of trials and tests to sift through the best amongst us, a bridge to the Hereafter. That even the best of creations, the Prophets, tasted grief. And calamities upon calamities. What makes me think that I’d be spared?

Sabr, iman and taqwa, I need this in spades. To think good of my creator, the Lord of the Worlds, to trust in His decree, to delegate all my affairs to him and to always turn to Him when faced with trials. To rely on Him with utmost conviction. To hold Him above all others in my heart. And to detach myself from this world which is a mirage.

But I have been extremely fortunate. My Lord has provided me comfort upon comfort. “So do not lose heart, and do not fall into despair; for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith” (Quran 3:139). We will surely test you with a measure of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth, lives, and fruits;  but give glad tidings to As‑Saabiroon (the patient ones). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’ They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones.” (Quran 2: 155-157) “How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him.” (The Prophet, pbuh-Muslim)

I would be lying if I said that I never allowed despair to come into my heart. Of course it did, but I know that it has a prescribed duration. And it is in how we spin it that it then becomes bearable. Someone once told me that they grieved by trying to emulate their loved one’s spirit. And I thought this was genius. To be up before the break of dawn, to pray isha upon its adhan. To read Quran every day. Hajj or umrah every year, as long as I can afford it. Paying my bills on time. Staying away from debt, speaking your truth no matter whom, where, what. Informing people, kindly, once they’ve messed up. Forgiving wrongs done upon me. Taking care of my relatives. Staying away from that which does not benefit me.  Keeping good companions. Being on wudhu. And sadaqa, sadaqa, sadaqa.

It all sounds doable until you attempt it, and you recognize the purity of discipline  needed to sustain such a lifestyle. But I want to, desperately crave to do this, against my selfish baser nature. My Lord, please make it easy for me. Every minute, every day, year upon year.

As for my dearest, my Lord, I beg of you, please provide him with the most lavish of comforts. In the most peaceful of spaces. Indelible in my mind is our last conversation, his beautiful face, his eternal repose and a prayer for a reunion in the highest levels of al firdaus al’ala. How can it be 2 years then, when it still feels just like yesterday?

How fast time flies…

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Nelson Mandela

Courtesy: Pinterest/feeldriven.com

It’s been a year since my beloved father, may Allah have mercy on him, left for the other world. I remember the disenchantment and restlessness with life that engulfed me then  and my resolve to align my goals with my purpose in this world, the worship of my creator. A year down the line though, and I am at a cross roads.

Against all that is systematic and methodical about my life, I have personally taken out the carpet from underneath me- without a back up plan. Against all that I have ever known my life to be, organized, well thought out, and boring. But for once, I’m not thinking 10 steps into my future. I’m content to take off this time and reflect on the direction in which I want to take my life. To renew my intentions, purpose and relationship with my Lord and to take a deep breath and appreciate all the favours that have been bestowed upon me.

This year, I have learnt a very important lesson regarding human nature. I have seen the ugly side of it and I’ve come out alive. And I never knew I had it in me. How too well aware I am now that the world I lived in was too idealistic, too perfect. Change is hard, but necessary. I had been fortunate enough to work with some of the most amazing people in the world who let me be as long as I delivered. By that, I certainly don’t mean that I strolled in whenever I wanted or that I spoke to people whichever way I wanted.  It means that I was allowed to be uniquely myself, just as you are uniquely you – I was trusted and honoured to do whatever needed to get done. That nothing concerning my identity was mocked at and my opinions and concerns were respected and acted upon. I now understand the paradox to the coin that is human nature. Principled yet fleeting, kind yet selfish, beautiful yet ugly. I saw the other side to the beauty and I have changed, good change, well I hope inshaallah.

As my illusions shattered left and right, I am immensely blessed to still have had the presence of mind to know that my one constant would never change. And how fervently I prayed to Him that I never change to accommodate that other side. That I never get bitter or cynical, no matter the incitement. That I commit to believe in the inherent goodness of everyone else I meet and forget these experiences. That this is the exception. That there is maror and dandelions but there is also stevia, blossoms, lavender, violets, roses.

I have learnt not to follow the world as it will never be satisfied, at my psychological, emotional and physical expense. I have learnt that I will speak up at injustice but most importantly I have learnt that I need to be careful of what I allow into my life. That I am also fragile and need to actively ensure that all that is negative, be it disrespect, intolerance or arrogance have no place in my life. This is the essence to my leaving. I have resolved to retire and attempt to heal, God willing, my weary soul. To recharge my positive vibes and warm my icy heart. To empathize as easily as I did before and to once again aspire to facilitate the improvement of mankind, a critical goal to my happiness. To do good not because of others’ sake but because my Lord loves the good doers. Most importantly, to praise, thank and worship my Creator in this life.

So a year later, I have not forgotten, but time slowly but surely dulls the edges of my grief. As my life rolls over, no matter the pauses I desperately attempt to throw at that wheel, to remember that most beautiful face, and that most fleeting sweet smell, I stoically accept, but beautifully mark you, with patience, that change is hard, and change is good. But there is hope, there always will be. What doesn’t change? My endeavour to make the remembrance and worship of The Greatest, The Inspirer of Faith and The Source of Peace, my ultimate goal. So help me Lord.