It sometimes happens that a man is handsomer at twenty-nine than he was ten years before, and generally speaking, if there has been neither catastrophe nor ill health, it is a prime time in life at which scarcely any charm is lost. Eligibility in manner and form is so widely published by society matrons, that one would be excused to mistake a pauper for a king. As with all man-made rules however, non-conformists abound. It has been my observation that Cushitic men are one such exception to this rule. I have distinguished, in my interactions with these characters, that vanity plays a huge role in a majority of their lives-vanity of person and of situation. And I have been dismayed to see excellent women of superior character, whose judgment and conduct, if they might be pardoned for the momentary infatuation of falling for such men, never required indulgence afterwards. I consider it my duty to profile some of these identities to the enlightenment of the unwitting Cushitic sister seeking to navigate this jungle. Dearest, a number are wolves masquerading as cats – tread carefully.

First off the blocks is what we call, in respectable circles, the metrosexual Cushitic man, a.k.a instagram boy, a.k.a resident popinjay.

His favourite joint: Trendy coffee house

Favourite outfit: Violent pink tailored jacket, indigo suspenders, lilac Steve Urkel glasses and Arthur George socks.

Self proclaimed beard gang, ahem, which may or may not have been drawn on.  Hangs in a pack, which has a Queen Bee- that one rich kid that they all envy, but cannot afford to ostracize if they value their place in society. Sisters, do not attempt to converse unattended, I repeat, do not try to separate from the pack.  He will do anything for money, a scarce commodity, to sustain his extravagant lifestyle. Possesses the latest gadgets sent by his aunt from Minnesota, is an unashamed selfie king and a profligate social media poster. Follow at your peril as your timeline will never forgive you for it. Has a hair regimen that rivals a Texan beauty queen’s-teased, gelled and sprayed to oblivion. Is frequently found at wedding parking lots- alas he did not come to check out the women, but to show off his latest toys to pack members. His vanity table rivals Kim Kardashian’s. And he knows skin care better than you ever could. Milk this advice accordingly.

Favourite phrase: You were born an original, don’t die as a copy. Ironic much?

Marriage prospects: Needs years of reconditioning to stop pack mentality thinking. Unless you suffer from perpetual acne sister, keep off.

Self proclaimed social media qawwam

Favourite joint: Social media

Favourite outfit: Tightly fitted polo shirt and designer jeans

Has one name for all females-sister. Religious in posting religious quotes-WhatsApp, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, you name it, he has multiple accounts on all of them-his brash public persona and his private, equally psychotic, one. His profile picture is one of him gazing into the distance in a thoughtful manner, carefully posing his flexed biceps, as he ponders on the said religious quotes. His social media regularly reminds his dear sisters to protect their modesty and cautions against the dangers of interacting with the opposite gender, whilst frequenting the social media feeds of the said sisters. Constantly states that he’s a protector of women but checks you out when you’re not looking, and if married, will make creepy comments when his wife is not there. Will be quick to point out when a sister hasn’t done hijab properly, and share this advice on video, in his tightly fitted polo shirt of course. Does not appreciate women who challenge him or who objectively critique his behavior- will tweet bomb you with fury and brutality, right after his earlier tweet preaching about grace, dignity and wisdom. Actions will never match his words.

Favourite phrase: I’m an alpha male with gheerah. Right, that’s why he likes every girl’s photo on social media.

Marriage prospects: If you value modesty in men, keep off.

The true qawwam

Favourite joint: Your local mosque

Favourite outfit: White thob and trousers that do not dare touch his ankles

Has unshakable values and principles, and will not hesitate to call out an injustice whether that person is a relative, friend or stranger on the street. Will conduct himself with honour and dignity in accordance with the sunnah, not the dictates of his ego. Will exemplify the sunnah in his behaviour and lower his gaze when you’re around. Has genuine protective gheerah for all women, not just his daughters, sisters or wife. He is amongst the unsung heroes of our society – those who prostrate in humility and strength, whose hearts break in silence in fear of The Magnificent One and who work tirelessly in the pursuit of His pleasure. He is blessed with emotional intelligence and is always respectful of the women around him.  Totally dreamy voice if he leads taraweeh prayers. May or may not take care of you according to the standards you’re used to, but do not lose heart sister – he will recite Quran for you every day, teach you regularly about your deen and will constantly remind you of your akhera. May also contribute to kids coming out spitting yaseen. Between you and me, this is more than an adequate trade off. Lots of legendary stories online. A truly endangered species. Alas, this gem is rarely seen out in the open, and only spotted in select places in Saudi Arabia and other areas where knowledge is to be gained.

Favourite phrase: Alhamdulillah. Indeed, Alhamdulillah for you king.

Marriage prospects: Totally approve, alas, already married at 18. Inquire after second, third or fourth slots.

Commitment phobic serial dater

Favourite joint: Local miraa base

Favourite outfit: Shirt, jeans and open shoes Monday-Sunday

A law unto himself. Loves all women, but if he had to choose, he would settle for Arab or Swahili. Don’t worry though, he looooves everything Cushitic, or so he thinks. May smoke  shisha and/or chew miraa, and is better acquainted with his friends’ birthdays than your second name. Forever proposing to you and always wants to go out with you. Has elaborate plans for your wedding day. Sadly, he is unable to follow through, as he has his cousin, that his family has lined up for him. Yup, and the first wife will never find out about his second wife on the other side of the country. Will seriously waste your time. Have never met his family? Never will. Will hear of his wedding via social media, when you had asked all your friends to help you plan yours. Yup, that brutal. But he’s always the first to check out your WhatsApp status and your Instagram stories, and comment on your new photos on Facebook. Really. Is supposedly unable to control himself at the sight of new stock…ahem, women he has previously not met. Makes a terrible husband, but an amazing dad.

Favourite phrase: Sweetheart, who is this? Apparently, all women are sweethearts, except his long-suffering wife.

Marriage prospects: No matter what he says, he is always married. Cut your losses and abort mission.

Your modern polygamous man

Favourite joint: Board room

Favourite outfit: Yellow or blue thob with a formal coat and a kufi cap

Thinks all a woman requires is money, and thus sees no need to ask after his wife’s mental or emotional welfare after an evident bout of crying. Does not compliment his wife and will unashamedly boast to his cousins about it. Comes home at 10 pm and leaves home at 6 am. Wife and kids are understandably terrified of him as they only see his cheerless face at the end of the day, pardon me, every fourth day. Always mediating between his wives-the one in Uganda, the two in Kenya and the latest addition in London whom they all recently found out about. Seems like the best of men outside but shell of a man inside. Drives the latest Land Cruiser and pays all his house bills but will never give you enough to be independent. Emotionally stunted as he sees nothing wrong with flirting with his second wife on call in front of his first wife. Emotionally abuses and blackmails his wife with divorce as he knows she has no other source of income. Happens to be in love with his ex wife, but they couldn’t have kids and that’s a deal breaker in this culture. Adoption anyone? Only tells his family he loves them when he’s going on a trip – he needs to leave a good last impression in case he doesn’t come back, ya know. Ego radar? Off the scale. Puncture at your own peril.

Favourite phrase: Where’s your niqab? Dare to be seen outside without it and you will soon learn that the man has a middle name, and it’s not gentle.

Marriage prospects: If this is your cup of tea, slots are currently filled, wait for a divorce.

Gold digger

Favourite joint: Golf course, and other high end networking places

Favourite outfit: Button down shirt, Chino pants and designer sneakers

Has one goal in life, marry a wealthy woman. His image and everything he does is aimed at satisfying this lifelong goal, after which he will comfortably retire. Will do everything to ensure he gets a slice of your family’s money. Targets shy, insecure women or very strong high powered women. You’ll soon find yourself paying for his school fees, which studies he’ll keep flunking. And a car which he uses to give his other unemployed friends rides around town. May take you out of town where he will blackmail your family with your current state of abode to get more cash out of them. Only needs one child from you, his meal ticket, and will use him to keep you in line. If you left, you can only marry without his knowledge as he’s prone to scatter your plans to move on without him.

Favourite phrase: Where’s my card? Sisters, do not hand it over, send M-Pesa, if you must.

Marriage prospects: Spot him and take to your heels, nothing but trouble.

Educated but ignorant man

Favourite joint: His sister’s or mother’s house

Favourite outfit: Smart casual

Everything adds up on paper-graduated top of his class, has a Masters degree, has work experience abroad, but cannot quite explain what it is he does. Likely studied in a majority Cushitic school. Is chauvinistic to a fault, and advocates for the stoning of non-cushites – education was truly wasted on him. Always has that one abhorrent friend, whom he protests he’s not very close to, but you later learn that before you came on the scene, and voiced your disapproving opinion, they were the best of friends. All his friends happen to be divorcés. Will insult you and in turn compliment your friends in front of you – will forever treat you horribly. His wife thought she married an enlightened man only to discover a loser who thinks we’re still in the 13^th Century and your sole purpose in this world is to serve him and reproduce. He will never support you in these endeavours as he considers them beneath him to do so. Ironically though, he needs you to work and support him because things have changed and “people should support each other”. There’s something very sinister and calculated about him, and it’s not his money, which you’ve never seen. Or his Toyota Vitz, in which he manages to squeeze his 6-foot frame into.

Favourite phrase: The world does not revolve around you, baby girl. But it revolves around him.

Marriage prospects: Unless you want to be part of a warped experiment, non-scientific, run.

The consummate businessman

Favourite joint: Mosque parking lot where he cuts his deals

Favourite outfit: Jisty thob

Will be found thick in the mix of big deals-large developments and high net worth tenders. Has a few marriages under his belt. Usually has a profile picture or status cautioning people on the religious consequences of betraying each other in business. Blissfully unaware that he’s the problem – it’s to be admired, really. Has a sob story of what his partners have done to him and what he’s been through with his crazy ex-wife. Sisters, if you hear of such a story, track down that ex and find out her version. You will be shocked to discover from her neighbours that he used to beat her senseless. May swear to you that he’s still single at 40, when he has a whole family ensconced in another city. A known pathological liar.

Favourite phrase: I will call you back at 7 p.m. this evening. Don’t hold your breath, baby girl, his word is not worth the cheapest tissue paper.

Marriage prospects: Unless you wish to train in defensive boxing, keep off.

Non-toxic-masculinity man

Favourite joint: Downtown, at his businesses

Favourite outfit: Anything goes, from suit to casual jeans- is comfortable with everything

Born and raised in the ghetto. Shares similar values. Works hard and constantly builds himself slowly, stall after stall, building after building. Heart of gold, and always pays up front if you conduct business with him. It’s a paradox that he works in downtown where toxic Cushitic masculinity reigns, because that is the last thing he is. Is unable to identify with most men as he’s emotionally mature and sensitive to the needs of women. Truly loves and understands women. Calls his wife babe, lucky woman. And her friends, Princesses. Is a running joke among other respectable and “right thinking” Cushitic members due to his effeminate mannerisms. They have no idea. He’s the real deal.

Favourite phrase: What is wrong with men? It’s funny you ask.

Marriage prospects: This is not the time to act like a swooning debutante, grab him and drag him to the Kadhi before another sister does- he’s a total babe.

Mama’s boy

Favourite joint: Mama’s home

Favourite outfit: Whatever mama likes

Tells his mama everything, even about that one time you called him obtuse. Consequently, she hates your guts. Still lives at home or a stone throw’s away from mama. Loves to be gassed up, don’t worry, mama and aunties will provide the gassing. Genuinely believes his own fairytale stories.  Asks mama’s opinion on everything, including the colour of his socks. Can barely operate a gas cooker to boil water. Will call his mum before he calls you, to get her opinion on the throw pillows you sent him to buy.

Favourite phrase: Mama used to do this for me. Good thing I’m not mama then.

Marriage prospects: If you’re comfortable with being forgotten from time to time, or all the time really, may marry. Focus on your children.

The Abroad Gang

Favourite joint: Estate gate, to better see all the women coming in

Favourite outfit: Too small shirt, jeans and sandals

The accent. You will not even take a breath before you’re regaled of the 2 weeks he spent in London, Minneapolis or Stockholm. Was deported by his parents for bad behaviour. Hails from a huge polygamous family. Mothers in different continents sort of thing. The 12th son in a family of 24. You never know what’s his and what’s not. Sleeps in different houses every night. Forever doing errands to keep up, and passes by your house to have a rushed drink at the local coffee shop – the price to pay for driving the second born’s car.

Favourite phrase: I’ll be there in a minute. Take your time with those eyebrows sister, he meant an hour.

Marriage prospects: Unless you want to live in the SQ of his cousin’s uptown mansion, but an SQ nonetheless, run, nothing will ever be his.

Bipolar Cushite

Favourite joint: Saudi airlines flight to Makkah

Favourite outfit: White thob

Lives by his own rules, ones you’ve never heard of. Has the confidence of a Mapogo lion and the obliviousness of an African dictator in the face of corruption. Will deal in interest and steal your office imprest money to go for yearly hajj and umrah. Is not open to opinions regarding the morality of such practices, question him at the risk of your life. Is always inviting you to his “second wife’s” wedding. You later find out that they usually last for a month until they understand the true nature of the monster they married, and run off. Adores people in positions of power or prestige, and is obsessed with money. And your best friend, whom he thinks you’re deliberately keeping him away from. A veritable bully and a certified madman. Belongs to an asylum. Interact with caution. Always nod yes, and always state you’re married. Has trouble accepting no means no.

Favourite phrase: Where’s your best friend? Somewhere very far away from you, thank God.

Marriage prospects: Zero. Call an asylum, someone escaped.

Buyer beware, the closeted narcissist

Favourite joint: Work, or coffee shop

Favourite outfit: Either extremely unkempt -it’s a look he’s going for- or the tightest suit

Frequently found in employment, usually professional services. Universally loved as he’s either very charming or a perpetual victim who elicits sympathy from the general public. Prone to be called maskin, which he laps up, but secretly thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Has a social calendar that rivals Prince William’s. Probably cries a lot in the shower or at night, as he laments about you in his journal. Will be absolutely amazing givers to their friends and families one week, as he self-aggrandizes through martyrdom, then will be completely unreachable the following week. His wife gave birth to their second baby during one such episode. Unhealthy people pleasers, as he derives authenticity and validation from people’s opinions of him. May or may not have gone through a traumatic experience in childhood, may or may not have had an abusive parent – there is always an obscure reference to a traumatic childhood. Consequently, he has a rewired brain that does not quite reason like yours. It’s not his fault really that he is selfish, will only act at his convenience, lacks empathy and is prone to manipulation. Will attempt to charm your mind off – you may start believing that he is the first normal cushitic man you’ve interacted with, until you realize behind the façade of  his easygoing demeanour and wide smile is a broken man with insecurities the size of China.

Will found out about your weaknesses and exploit them. Partial to the name honey? Boom, you will never again be known as Hafsa. Hate your feet? Boom-they look like an elephant’s and when he wants something from you, they’re an angel’s.  May pass muster as upright Cushitic men in the community but do not fall for this, it’s a charade. When you call, he’s always busy. But he has time to tweet. Attempt to ignore his phone call, and his true face comes out. His stalking and intelligence gathering skills rival the Mossad’s – he will access your messages from your service provider and print them out to look for imagined cheating patterns. Very good at apologizing, fake apologies I mean. Rarely has meaningful long term relationships with people, he has supplies. Loves to portray himself as being chased by women and would name drop other sisters’ names in a bid to impress their potential victim. Specifically bothered by strong women because he’s averse to such levels of confidence and self awareness. Will gaslight, and make you start believing that you’re the one who’s crazy. He’s a soul sucker – sisters, you do not need that kind of energy in your life because if you stick around and accept that nonsense, you’ll end up being one of his true victims. Once you see through this ruse and call him out on it, he will act unfazed, but do not be fooled, he’s secretly plotting your downfall. Millions of dollars need to be spent before he can be rehabilitated back into normal society. 

Favourite phrase: Hahahaha, not to worry. Be very worried, run and don’t look back. Sisters, unless you’re a certified psychiatrist, leave him to the professionals. You have no business hanging around here.

Marriage prospects: Consider only after seeing receipt evidence of serious therapy.

Honourable mention :

Nigerian/West African men, who somehow always find us

Favourite joint: Where money exchanges hands

Favourite outfit: designer everything

Usually heavily built, and walks majestically – a tiger comes to mind. Testosterone on crack – will greet you whilst touching your shoulders, never mind that you told him you don’t shake hands. Calls every Muslim female hajjia, never mind you told him that you’ve never been to hajj. Thinks you’re the most beautiful creature that ever graced the planet, and is obsessed with you- states that he’s willing to learn your language and makes you believe that if he could, he would miraculously transform himself to be a Cushite. Severely loaded, but has questionable origins. Makes it rain all day every day, but you heard of a sister who went there and came back with a rearranged face. Since then, you laugh rather nervously at his jokes, remind yourself why you still keep contact and for once, keep your opinions to yourself.

Favourite phrase: My angel. Until you say no, then you’re the devo.

Marriage prospects: Approach with caution-unless you like the spotlight, both good and bad, keep off. Once married, move to Iceland, as you’re likely to lead a lonely life, what with the community ostracizing you.

I would be remiss in my duty if I did not relay the key lessons I have learnt in the retelling of these stories. There were tears, the crazy laughing kind, at their recollection. But there were also a few revelations, and a recurring one, was to listen to what your loved ones, who know you so well, are telling you about the particular specimen you’re dealing with. Spotted at the club? he really was, no matter what he tells you. Hasn’t got a dime in his account? ignore his stolen Mercedes, the man is bankrupt. And to always have a list of non-negotiables no matter whom, where, when-honesty tempered by compassion, reliability and an unflinching ability to face whatever life throws at one-a trooper really, and responsibility to admit one’s mistakes and work every day to be a better human being. Someone with a strong moral compass of the world around us, and compatible goals for your dunya and akhera – this is what it takes to be successful in both worlds. Above all, I have learnt that time is the biggest revelation, and a core advice I received was to wait, wait, wait, and you will see, what you need to see. And pray, always.

My dearest sisters, you know yourselves, I’m sorry for the experiences, thank you for the stories, always in my duas.

Love,

LD.