Courtesy: Whyislam.org (2016)

It is that time of the year, when that most noble month is almost upon us, almost at the tip of our tongues. And you hope and pray and implore The Most Compassionate to reach it, because how many of us have left us just when we thought we would be standing together – fasting during its days, repenting with utmost sincerity, and praying during its nights, crying together with overflowing iman. And sheepishly laughing when we see each other’s tears, of course never mentioning such breaks in character as we move on with our lives. And you remember that yes, some of us have left, and those lines will never be the same, and our tables will never be the same. And you remember what goodness you shared and cherish those memories, and try your damnest to recreate it with others. It’s never quite the same. But you still try, because that’s all you know, so you trudge along because you don’t believe in giving up the fight.

The people who enrich your life, that’s who they are. Who embody the essence of friendship and good companionship as I have learnt it to be. Those who hold the same beliefs and values that you do – who may hold the most extreme of opinions, and lifestyles, and interests you may never understand, but whose core value system, the foundation of friendship, is the irrefutable truth, Islam. A foundation which links us with our fathers and grandfathers, who’ve left us, and with our children and grand children, in mutual love and mercy.

And it’s scary, that someone may have that much influence over you, without being aware of it. That you may pick up their behaviours and qualities, and this would be amazing if they’re good, but what if they’re abhorrent? What if they, God forbid, pushed you away from the remembrance of The Most Holy. That would indeed be a disaster, as He reminds us in The Book. “And (remember) the Day when the wrong-doer (oppressor, polytheist etc.) will bite on his hand, he will say: ‘Oh!  Would that I had taken a path with the Messenger.  Ah!  Woe to me!  Would that I had never taken so-and-so as a friend!  He indeed led me astray from the Reminder (the Quran) after it had come to me.” (Quran 25:27)

There is this weakness inside of us, to want to be everyone’s saviour and helper and companion. To be thought of kindly by everyone we interact with. So I know I have to be careful of the temptation of The Cursed One to make the prospect of intimate relationships with the People of Desires attractive to me – to take them as my bosom friends, to love them, and to prefer them over the believers. Because they are not the party of Allah. And how much I crave to be amongst those that Allah classifies as His party! So I try my best to treat them justly, and fulfill my obligations towards them, and refrain from committing acts of aggression against them. And if I do, I can attest that this is indeed dished out across the board, believer and innovator alike, fairly and justly. As I know best, may The All-Knowing guide me. And may He soften my flawed heart, and others, to stand firm and act upon His Order in striving to do righteous deeds.

I’m sitting here in wonder at the equanimity with which I’m speaking about friendships, that most challenging and fulfilling of life’s experiences. Whose rule book and code I’m yet to decipher. I remember not so long ago, when I thought most differently of these relationships – I would complain at having to sit and listen to what I then thought, was the most mundane of matters. And I couldn’t for the life of me understand why they wouldn’t think that they were loved and respected from afar, and that they had my undying loyalty, undiminished by distance, time, situation, change. I have learnt that those small things are the big things, and I have since joined that movement, and actively discourse on the most mundane with the best of them these days.

But I have learnt to be guarded and only allow the most steadfast to occupy this mundane train. I have learnt that someone who publicly criticizes you and humiliates you is not fit to be called a friend. And no matter your disregard for the opinions of strangers, I have learnt that this is abhorrent in a human being. And your insecurities are never an excuse to treat your friends in this manner. And neither would I ever tolerate abject disrespect without justification now.  I refuse to shrug at these trivial matters anymore – you see, I have since learnt that it is these small things that matter in life. Distance clarified everything for me, alhamdullillah. And I will admit that it was devastating to discover that my value was confined to what I could provide, and as long as I had nothing to offer, I no longer held a place in someone’s life. And it was a slow and painful process to extricate myself from years of what I thought friendship should be – steadfast and loyal no matter the vagaries of life- and I was traumatized by this process. But I have learnt to respect myself first and will never tolerate this kind of behaviour again from anyone close to me inshaallah, and while it may hurt deeply to remove these people out of my life, I know I cannot simply survive another dysfunctional relationship. And I owe it to my sanity and my emotional health to extricate myself from situations detrimental to my peace of mind.

It is soul shattering to discover that your judgment, in these most intimate of spheres, may be flawed.  It goes to the core of who you are as a person.  I feel like my world has turned on its axis, and I question everything. I feel the need to question the verity of what people tell me now, I question the reactions of people around me. And I had to check myself when I recently met a kind soul, and I kept staring into her eyes, questioning whether I can trust myself to believe what I’m seeing. It’s unsustainable.

And so I realize that I needs must look deep within myself, and interrogate, what is within me that attracts this toxicity-I must admire something in these people to not see through the masks taken by them. And I discover that I must have some of it within me, to indeed admire its outward manifestation. That I must admire manipulation, and narcissism and disrespect, to so tolerate it against myself. And I have some work to do – to free myself of those vices most abhorred by the Most High, and grow to be better. Better at respect, better at appreciation of those closest to me, better at empathy, better at support.

And of course I turn to my most trusted friend, my dearest Lord, to whom I pour all of these doubts, anxieties and worries. I discover that I have been unjust to myself and others, and beseech Him to forgive me of these violations and guide me to be better.  And I enquire if I have transgressed against His boundaries, and I discover that I have. And I have been unfaithful to Him, and I have disobeyed Him. I have been everything I have ever despised in man- needy, co-dependent, moved by people’s actions. Everything that I never considered myself to be. And I pray to Him to free me from those most edifying of traits. To heal me and guide me back to the path that He loves, and ensconce me with the people that He loves. And take charge of all my affairs and guide me as He wishes best.

A relationship without the core of our Creator, in pursuit of His pleasure by reminding ourselves of our purpose in this world, I have since learnt, is founded on sawdust, and crumbles easily. As I slowly heal and attempt to get back up on that saddle of life, I’m reminded to keep this in mind in my forays in that most alien social world. To have this core, I have learnt, is to have friends in all levels of society, to remind me not just of my Lord, but of my roots. That I’m a daughter of a shepherd and a clerk’s daughter. And a scholar and a businesswoman. And we had the best of times. And life happened. And they were the worst of times. And as inherent in life’s character, it changed again. But I know that Allah could take it all away in an instant, and I observe no import for material possessions. That this means nothing. And in friendship as well, without God, it all means nothing.

To be cynical and skeptical is to allow a victory of such vices. I’m still obligated to be of service to people, and to better myself everyday. And I know I can’t do this with a foot outside the door, waiting for the first sign of disrespect or betrayal. Because I have also been disrespectful, and I have betrayed, inadvertently though it may have been. I have to learn to not only forgive these flawed humans and take them for who they are, but to also forgive myself for the mistakes I have made, and for falling short of what I hoped to achieve out of life. That I am a human being and falling short is part of my nature, and it does not mean I have failed at life. That I should still strive to do good solely for the pleasure of The Greatest, seeking His Face. He records everything, at fajr, and at asr, when I’ve had it and want to dash home and relax. That none of these sacrifices get lost, but it exhausts me sometimes. So I pray to Him – My Lord, strengthen me, always. And make your remembrance occupy my heart. Always. And keep me patiently with those who remember you in glorification, seeking Your Face. Always.