Al-Haram, Giza (2019)

Seeking. Flawed. We’re still that one grain of sand in a windy desert, however strong we may appear to be. God, we wish! I say that, because just a few weeks ago, it was looking very different coming off of a high of MMA. And we were all about the celebration of a champion. Still undefeated. Undisputed. A lesson in bravery. You know, the lion of Dagestan. And it was turning out to be this seemingly annual Khabib appreciation quarter of the internet. And don’t get me wrong, we do appreciate the guy. But I don’t ever want to be a vessel of opposition to the decrees of my Lord, however contrasting my personal inclinations. And I was struggling with this. Because on the one hand, I’d be the first to stay up and shout myself hoarse at every take down and tussle, braying for blood. And on the other, I’m cognizant of my faith’s ceiling and the implications of my endorsement. I mean, I should be the first to check myself, and others, and turn away. You know, be better. And it looks pretty straightforward on paper. There are so many things I’ve given up for the pleasure of The One. What is one more, I think? And it really is an oxymoron, because however violent my gestures or dreams, I personally abhor violence. And I can’t stand it of others. So it’s crazy that I’m struggling to get off this show. Urggghhhh!

September is of course my darling of a father’s month. Not that everyday isn’t his day. I recently spoke to someone I believed was more learned than I am, and they initially encouraged me to visit his grounds. And of course I went wild about the thought of it for a couple of hours, imagining all of my Saturdays at his abode. And it’s scary to me, that it’s that easy to get swayed by opinions that fit in with your desired wishes. Of course I’d researched and read all about it, and sadly, but patiently stayed away. I’m not hysterical. I wouldn’t say the explanation applies to me. And in the same token, I know of several men whose emotional expressiveness rivals Oprah’s. But the idea that I’d be quick to jump at an opinion that conforms to what I want is scary.  Because it’s what’s been warned of these times. The lifting of knowledge. And the proliferation of charlatans.

One of my dad’s best friends recently passed away. His other best friend wouldn’t step foot in town. And one of his other friends, has been unwell for a while. Visiting him in hospital was bittersweet because it of course reminded me so much of my dad’s last days. But that’s not why I’m raising this. It seems to be the season. Which is something he’d regularly bring up. That his friends had left. And almost insidiously so. And his family had passed. And he was trying to find meaning in being among the last of his generation. And I remember being perplexed by all of this- because of course I’d selfishly want my dad to stay forever.

I was recently speaking to my mum, and probing her plans for this next phase of her life. When a majority of it she’d spent with my dad. And I’d throw strong hints of doing this course, and learning this language or opening up this business. And she’d be adamant about it being her season. Nothing but worship. And her desire to congeal herself to the Quran. And wake up every night, and fast regularly. And I was listening to this incredulously. Like yeah yeah, we could do all that mum. But we could also do this business. And you’d be occupied. And you’d still memorize the Quran. But she wouldn’t hear any of it.

And now of course I could kick myself, as the clarity of her reasoning hits home. And I’m stupefied at the sheer folly in my logic. That to occupy myself is to run after dunya, which is a distraction. And yet here we have my Lord encouraging us to run towards Him, pledging to sort out all our affairs for us. And to refrain from occupying ourselves with the mirage of this life, when there’s something way more permanent. And I’m honestly gobsmacked by the simplicity of such reasoning. It’s the fact that we’re literally promised, you guys. Leave all this, strive for goodness, and I guarantee you peace. A vow. And we’re still no no, let me do both. But there is no both. It’s one or the other. Which fills me with tremendous hope and happiness at its possible attainment. And sadness that my life is far from this reality.

Two friends recently called to ask me what I’m up to, and it was a chiding really, for failing to mention all of the things I’m up to and their consternation that they’d had to hear from others. And at first I was bothered at the fact that they were bothered. Because I never call anyone up to ask them what they’re up to in their personal lives, or business or career, or just about any matter that doesn’t concern me. But when I sat down, I thought to myself. But this is what brought us together. We cultivated our friendships based on worldly goals, not akhera or our well being so of course you’d only catch up on worldly goals. Which I find sad. Because I’m not about that life, and if I ever were my Lord, please guide me back to my pledge to you.

It honestly doesn’t sound like 3 years, when my Saturday is still so fresh, and our hands still so warm, my kisses still so well received, and my love runneth over. I’m really not gassing you (or myself) when I say that I genuinely don’t believe in the idea of separation between my beloved, and all of my lost loved ones. It feels like one of those temporary trips and here I am counting the days to our reunion. But how can I really? When their absence is a chilling reminder of my pending presence in our other life. Which is far more peaceful, and more than we could ever imagine. Imagine that.

So here we are, still accepting, patient, thankful, still subservient my Lord. For our meetings before you, with the highest of honours, I beg of you my Lord. Ever obedient. Eternally hopeful. Still waiting. Still. For you, my Lord. Always for you.