Courtesy: Tumblr (2018)

I’ve always thought that my primary purpose in this world was to serve- to serve God, and to serve humanity. That I always had to be there for whoever needs me, that I had to pour my essence and entire being into them, to make things right for them, to help them realize their dreams. Whilst I still believe this, I’ve learnt to temper my approach these days. If someone takes and takes, and never gives, do you still have to keep giving? But what if you give and give, and have nothing left to anchor your dreams? I never thought that I’d ever get there. I’ve always thought of myself as resilient, and howsoever wounded, generally unswayed by the vagaries of life. Until I got to that definitive point, and realized that however loose, my boundaries of unconditional service had calibrations, and I had arrived at point non plus.

It was discomposing. To have to put a halt to my usual sprint in life, and look around me. Take stock of who I am, what my values are, what my dreams are, what path I’m on and what I should never negotiate on. My dreams, I discovered, are non-negotiable. To get to the gardens, with all it entails, and whom it entails. And to be the best version I could be in whatever I lay my hands on here. But I had sacrificed my dreams. Over and over again. To people whom I thought would do the same for me. But they hadn’t, you see. They wouldn’t have my back, and they would never put their necks out for me. They wouldn’t put half as much effort in whatever I did for us –  in our dreams, in mutual support, in encouragement. And they would abuse me, I have learnt, to reflect their own insecurities.

And I had to review this conduct, make painful inquiries, and reflect on their place in my life. Would I ever be comfortable to see my friends suffer? If they needed my help, would I be comfortable to sit down, and berate them for approaching it the wrong way? Would I tell them to do it themselves if they thought they were superwoman, and direct them to learn those lessons well? Of course not. It would pain me greatly, to see my friends suffer, to withhold assistance – within my sphere of knowledge or influence – to deliberately hurt my friends. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.

So why was I comfortable with these kinds of relationships? One-sided, draining, bloodsucking, toxic. Why was I comfortable with being the designated forgiving bigger person? Why was I accepting of less than what I gave out? Why was it okay for me to accept someone who’s not willing to put in as much effort as I do? To go out of their way to fix things for me? To help me out with my dreams, unprompted? Why, when I’m more than happy to do the same? Why wouldn’t I want to have another of me? What made me think that I was undeserving of that? And that I always had to be the strong one, the adult, to take care of everything myself? This, we must unravel.

I would say that I’ve lived a very sheltered lifestyle. A conservative experience most common to Cushitic girls everywhere. That is not to say that I haven’t managed to escape life, and all its eccentricities. But these have by and large been confined to areas that constitute a sheltered lifestyle – inescapable eventualities, I call them. Fate, it’s referred to in other circles. But no matter how sheltered, there are lessons which one learns quite early on in this journey. Integrity, courage, commitment, clemency, loyalty, these are some of them.

I don’t have to really think about it, it’s inherent I’ve discovered. Loyalty that is. An ex-husband of one of my good friends contacted me recently. Of course I didn’t pick up, and you know my next call was my girl asking her what her ratchet ex was up to. Mark you, I knew her husband way before I knew her, but once we connected, that was it!  She alone would dictate to me the nature of contact I would have, which I would faithfully adhere to. And whatever her apathy, you know I had chapter and verse ready for her, if she ever needed it.  It’s an unspoken rule, I thought.  Boundaries that every female friend knows and learns to keep. And these may differ in your circle of friends. Learn them all I say. But some frontiers are too clear, I thought. Those that are intrinsic within us. Loyalty is one. If someone does not respect you enough to be loyal towards you on matters of no great import, what makes you think they’d respect your margins on matters salient?

These are my rules of sisterhood. Women who always choose capable women over unavailing, inadequate men. How could you drop your friends for a man, someone who was never there in your making? Don’t you know that there is a role for everyone in your life, that no one could replace your family and no man could take the place of your friends? How could you do this, and then expect me to put this behind me? Of course I’ll forgive you, because that’s the only way I can put you behind me and move on. But I’m flawed, I don’t have whatever it is other people have that allows them to forget. I’m not your mum, sis, I don’t do unconditional love.

And what of women who’re asked to help other women? How dare you say no, when it’s within your capacity to reach out and lighten the load of another? What are you here for? What gives you the right to say no? Your mother who’s gone through pain after pain to bear and raise you? Your sisters who guided you and were always there for you? Your friends who were there to comfort you and support you when faced with life’s trials? But who am I to dictate to you how to live? It is life’s ultimate lesson to give you back tenfold the same energy that you give out. I would wish that you wouldn’t learn this lesson the hard way because I assure you, it is painful.

So go forth, arrogant soul. Go forth and conquer your mountains, and if you come across these valleys, don’t worry, we won’t be there to tell you we told you so. Lonely plains await you, with no one around to celebrate or genuinely condole with you. We’ll let you find out that there is a cardinal rule that we simply do not break as women. When a woman comes to you for help, you give everything that’s within your capacity to give. You jump over every hoop, barring death, and even death, to help her. Because another woman did that for you. You must give back.

Have you come across women who never stand up for other women, and have the audacity to tell you stories of their failings? Cowards, I call them. What is the point of telling me stories after the fact, how can you live with yourself? But I have come to learn that these are not my people. Those who do not share the same philosophies in life. You can never force someone to have the same values as you do. Not everyone was raised by your mother. People who feel not a pinch when lying to your face. People who have nothing better to do but lecture you on your weirdness, and how you should never talk or act, or be.  People who mock and trivialize your pain. People who have no qualms about trampling on borders that you’ve set for them. People who feel nothing about divulging a private conversation about a third party to that third party. Who are so quick to dish out criticism and insult you, but can’t take it. People who humiliate you before mutual friends and third parties. Who have no problems going out with someone else’s partner. How do you flirt with another woman’s man without their permission? How, sis? How do you plan to take another woman’s man without their blessing? How do you expect to build your happiness over another woman’s unhappiness? There’s a cost to every friendship, many sacrifices that we must voluntarily give, but you’ve got to know when that sacrifice is you. Your values, your essence, your path. When the sacrifice is you, darling, you bail out.

Not everyone deserves a seat at your table. It’s sacred. Just like you, don’t you know? They need to be similar minded, similar valued and similar visioned. What is the value of inviting conflict into your life? You can’t always be the one that sacrifices in your relationships, it’s unhealthy. You weren’t born to be everyone’s caretaker, to care more about others’ dreams than they do. You are not here to live lives for other people, at the expense of your own. You are not here to set dreams for other people at the expense of your own. Live your life and go forth in your journey. A seat at your table is earned, not through lies, deceit, betrayal or a shaky character. But loyalty, honour, reliability, constance, consistency, devotion and mutual hard work and effort. To spiritually uplift each other, and remind each other why it is we’re still here. Because if you do not increase me, you will eventually decrease me. We can’t have that. I don’t need everybody to like me. As long as I like me, I’m cool.  And that table may have only me, but as long as I have peace of mind, I’m okay.

It’s been a year of uncomfortable growth. Where every meaningful change and advancement has come through chaos. But there’s an accompanying sweet weariness I find, when you look back at a full year. And marvel at how far you’ve come. And how much farther you need to go. So here I am, my loves, looking forward with so much hope at the rest of my journey. Wiser, stronger, more open-minded, more conflict-averse and yes, more pragmatic. With irreducible minimums that I’ll never let anyone abuse again. And lessons learnt well, for optimal living.

You must, first and foremost, commit to yourself. To loving yourself unconditionally, to taking care of yourself, to accounting to yourself, to persevering in following your dreams, no matter the deviations that come your way. You must then commit to your soul’s creed, to your choices, your mistakes, your lessons. Alongside it all, you must pledge your allegiance to your one true love, your Provider, the bane of your existence, the tranquility of your life. Your one and only constant. Unceasing, perennial, everlasting succour. You must make the decision to keep friends who want to keep you. And are equally committed to set forth on this journey of life together. How can you be accepting of apologies that never came? How can you be accepting of unaccountable people in your life? People who take your love and commitment, and capacity to forgive, for granted. People who do not challenge you to raise your standards, to be the best version of yourself. People who take and take and are never willing to give. Sis, respect yourself, those you must bid adieu to.

There are many many wonderful memories and lessons that you’ve learnt from them, do not soil those, be grateful for them. But you’ve got to admit to yourself and take responsibility when you’re on different journeys – your lives must reflect that. There comes a time in life when you’ve got to put your business face on and tell them to pull up their socks or pull out. No hard feelings. Peace.