It is a truth universally acknowledged  that a one-wived Cushitic man of moderate means is in need of swift divestment. So well fixed is it in the minds of others, no matter his views, that his monies are considered the rightful property of every Bushy*, Trumpy* and Blaire*.  We will call this land, the Kingdom of Alternative Facts. Let’s start with Trumpy*, a hitherto wilting wallflower, who one day decided that her current job wasn’t cutting it anymore and brazenly withdrew into her employer’s bedroom, opened his suitcase and stole his savings. The manner of this break-in is to be admired- she casually waylaid a key that everyone previously thought was lost and which served as the means to this break-in and entering business. And it is thus my dearest readers, that the story begins with a bang. From then on, how to put this delicately, it was as we say it in Kiswahili, a life of kiguu na njia (by foot) and game of pata potea (find and lose) with the cops. And my hopes of a good story came to a screeching halt. My disappointment at Trumpy’s simple dash from the house upon obtaining these monies knows no bounds.  Surely not in this century. And most surely not after Edward Snowden’s revelations. In this day and age, one would be forgiven if they chose to shower with their clothes on as we slowly discover that we have no place to hide anymore. Back to Trumpy*, her plot ended most unsatisfyingly when she put her phone on, with a different number, as if it mattered, and she was tracked to her hiding spot. She graciously volunteered to show the cops where she had buried these monies. It was in her backyard, sigh.

On to Blaire*, an agent extraordinaire acting for some Italians who have chosen to invest in this wonderful country. She decided not to return the deposit of an apartment. And then …shudder, it ends there people. I’m angry. I’m disheartened at such blatant disrespect for plot! I mean, sure we might have thrown our morals to the dogs, but not our creativity too! What were all those compositions that we laboured in primary and high school for?! So yes, it was more of a ‘I have taken it and what are you gonna do about it’ kind of story. She also invited us to go to court. Sigh, defiance and prison, I have been most reliably informed, do not go well together.

And then we have Bushy*, a secretary par excellence, who today chose to charge my mother for a doctor’s appointment that she should not have been charged for, because mum was alone and speaks Kiswahili and for some reason she could not understand my mum’s Kiswahili? She also, after my irate phone call, dared to wonder why my mum chose not to ‘simply’ explain to her that she was not supposed to. She made a point of speaking perfect Kiswahili in my phone call. Sigh, what is wrong with people and bad plot? I’m devastated at such blatant disregard for art. Where is Kanye when we need him?  As the Garre are fond of saying, if you choose to eat a pig, pick the fattest one please. No, fatter will just not do. Please, for art’s sake?

And after I have lamented at the inadequacy of these stories, I turn around and ask, what happened to this world? It seemed like I woke up one day and discovered that the set of rules and code of conduct that humanity has for centuries held aloft as a beacon of our goodness was overturned and a completely different species took over. When did it become okay for us to blatantly steal from each other? And I don’t even mean strangers, these are people that you break bread with or regularly do business with or those whom you’ve entrusted your children with. No seriously, what happened? What is wrong with us? We admire liars and thieves and envy their lifestyles. We grab property that we have not worked for. When did this become normal? What is wrong with us that this became the norm? Why do we reward the unjust and revere the sweetly-tounged murderers? Why do we elect the worst of our societies and then complain when they lie and steal from us? Perhaps, it is time to look within ourselves. We are the problem. We have lost the moral authority to judge and complain because we lost the plot twist a long time ago.

Courtesy:Lindsey/Pinterest

Martin Luther King Jr once quipped, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. I don’t know about you, but the chicken have come to roost in my household. And you know why? Because I stood by and helplessly watched when Bashar Al-Assad and Netanyahu killed innocent women and children in my world. And I kept quiet when my brothers and sisters were collectively punished for the sins of a warped few. And I stood by and resignedly watched when a relative talked derogatively regarding a fellow human being. And I stood silent when a woman’s place and value was questioned in this world. And are still forced to go through FGM. And whose opinions were regularly bypassed for a man’s. I stood by and watched them do this, until they came for me and there was no one left to stand up for me. So now I know better than to stand by and watch when the unjust comes for my neighbour. Inshaallah, I will be ready to fight it with my hands, and with my tongue, and with my heart. Why? Because, my neighbour is me.